Unconventionally speaking

At a recent writers conference I attended in Italy, the faculty challenged the participants to write both conventional and unconventional first pages for a “best first page” contest. Entries were read aloud, and pages that were read to their completion without a majority of the faculty raising a hand to indicate where they would have stopped reading were considered winners. This game is called “writer’s idol.”

I had written a conventional first page for a comic murder mystery that I never ended up pursuing. (Not yet, anyway.) I decided to use this as a basis for the unconventional one.

First up, the first “conventional” page of my yet-to-and-maybe-never-will-be-written comic mystery, House Hunted:

The crooked “for sale” sign should have been my first clue.

Later – much later, of course – I’d learn the signs that a property was more trouble than it was worth. Not the obvious ones, like the overgrown yard, the lone photo on the Multiple Listing Service, the days on market that stretched on for months. But the more subtle ones, like a listing agent that doesn’t call back, or tax records that list a property as owned by an out-of-state corporation rather than a resident who lived there.

But right now, standing on the sidewalk next to that crooked sign and waiting for my very first buyer ever, the subtleties of real estate sales were the last thing on my mind. I needed a sale. A quick, easy sale. The house I was standing in front of had been on the market for six months. Its price had been lowered three times. It was a three bedroom, two bath with a water view, built in 1956. The sellers were asking for $389,000.

I crossed my fingers and prayed it looked as nice as the photos.

The buyers were late. I’d give them ten minutes and then send a quick text to see if they were lost. I’d never met them. They had called the office during our morning meeting and Kyle gave me the phone.

“Your first prospect, Rach. Remember, let the ball get deep. Let it get to you.”

Kyle played on our college baseball team. The fact that he was now a real estate broker rather than a professional baseball player pretty much summed up his college career. Now he coached his nephew’s Little League team and insisted on speaking in baseball metaphors that no one understood.


And here’s the unconventional:

VERY MOTIVATED SELLER!!!! INVESTOR’S DREAM!!!! WATERFRONT!!! WALK TO BEACH!!! Three bed/two bath, original terrazzo floors, garage, refrigerator, oven, Florida room. Room for pool. CASH ONLY. $389K. Days on market: 210. Listing agent: Alabama “I’d rather be fishing” Aluetta. Brokerage: Twelve Toes in the Sand Realty. Owner: Mr. X. Title Company: Catfish Warthog Law Offices and Fishing Charter. Email: FishAllDayDrinkAllNight@hotmail.com. Text: 727-DONT-CALL.

Five Really Subtle But Very Important Warning Signs that This Property Will Make a Buyer’s Agent Tear Out All Her Hair:
 Only one photo on the MLS – of the water view. (Totally legal, BTW.)
 Listing agent demands all potential buyers and agents have health insurance before entering property.
 No lock box on property, instead door is secured with combination lock that listing agent used for middle school gym class locker.
 Ads in local newspaper declaring that legal owner owes more in back child support than Illinois Republican Joe Walsh.
 Hurricane shutters that have been down since Katrina.

Three Really Stupid Things Buyer’s Agents Do When They’re Absolutely Desperate
 Agree to meet strange men at vacant houses because they are in town just for one day and have to see this house right now.
 Use Washington Post photo of being caught sneaking out of Senator’s house in the middle of the night in ad offering buyer’s agent services.
 Open houses.

Alas, dear reader, I got gonged. Although the person reading the pages aloud did say that the piece was better read than heard. (My “conventional” piece, which is very personal and won’t be shared, made it through.)

Which do you prefer? The conventional beginning, or something that looks like a listicle you’d find on Facebook?