Is there anybody out there?

This morning I woke up to four new “likes” on Match. No messages, just likes. One was from a guy I’d met at a meet-up a year ago and repeatedly rejected. The other three weren’t what I was looking for, either.

The culture of on-line dating seems to be that if you get a like or a message from someone you’re not interested in, just ignore it. That’s what I do. Yet I sent a message to a guy last week who messaged me back that he had met someone, forgot to hide his profile on OKCupid, and only liked to date one woman at a time. I appreciated that. Still, I can’t imagine any guy would like to get my message, which would be something along the lines of, “I specifically said I’m looking for a Democrat around my age that lives in St. Pete. Did you even bother to read my profile, or do you honestly believe that a 65-year-old conservative who lives in New Port Richey is close enough?”

It’s hard. You send a like or a message, and you never hear anything back. You don’t know if he got the message and isn’t interested, or if he got it, meant to reply, and then forgot, or just isn’t active on the site anymore. If you pay for the site, you see likes and messages; some services let people join for free but don’t let them see “likes.” Most daters will mention in their profiles whether they can see likes, but sometimes people don’t update when their subscriptions expire.

If you’re paying for Match, Match will let you take a look at who’s viewed your profile. It’s a good way to see everyone who’s checked you out but didn’t find you attractive enough to like you back. A few minutes ago, one of those inappropriate likes sent me a message thanking me for checking out his profile. Obviously he didn’t realize that since I didn’t like him back, he wasn’t going to hear from me.

I always check to see who’s viewed me. A lot of the guys I’ve liked aren’t on that list. Are they still on the site? Or is my Match profile picture so bad they don’t bother clicking on my profile?

Is there anybody out there?

Match sends its members suggested matches every day. It doesn’t bother weeding out folks you’ve already liked or messaged. That can lead to accidental stalking; repeatedly liking the same person without realizing it. Yesterday I liked a guy enough to want to send him a message. When I clicked on the message icon, my old message came up... the one he’d never replied to. Yikes.

OKCupid spares its members this embarrassment. After you like or message someone, they hide their profile from you. You can erase them from your mind until you’re lucky enough to hear from them. A few weeks ago, I messaged a guy who’d liked me a year ago. Turns out I was wise to ignore him the first time around, and I’m sure he didn’t spend that year pining after me, but it gives the decision to the pursued, not the pursuer.

I’ve stumbled across many profiles in which men lecture women on how they should behave online or on dates. I think this is misogynistic behavior, but I understand the impulse. My profile would be a diatribe on what not to do, if I gave into my lesser angels.

But with all its drawbacks, online dating does have one obvious benefit going for it: knowing that the person on the site is interested in dating. The most interesting men I’ve met lately, I’ve met in real life. And I have no idea what their status is.